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Apr. 20th, 2004 09:59 ammany long green days here at home, sleeping in a narrow bed, waking to the green light at 8 am and hearing birds. no cars, no grey light from shuttered blinds like we have in cambridge. the blinds in my room here are bright yellow, and heavy, they make a metallic ringing sound when they are raised or lowered.
last night i went for margaritas with jennie & jordan, at oba!, where we had an unsatisfying debate about Why I Use Livejournal. jennie thinks by turns it is egotistical, self-inflating, pointless, etc (although by some miracle, i am assumed to be immune from those tendencies, in her estimation). and yes of course these are all true. she sees it as essentially pointless, how can thousands of people think their thoughts are interesting enough to be read, etc, why would anyone possibly want to expose themselves in some way, etc, it's not a 'real' way to represent one's self. but i can't explain very well to her how it is that i feel and see no weird disjunction between the self as portrayed in real life versus livejournal, or versus the blog. i think i have adapted to writing about my life in a different way than she has -- she has not kept a journal since high school, and i have maintained one always. even now i have paper multiples: a journal for the very occasional things that need pen & ink writing, a journal for sketching and list-making, .txt files on my work computer for other small thoughts to myself. she says she does not think of my style of writing as fake or necessarily egotistical, but i don't really buy that. and we never intended to have an argumentative happy hour at oba!, but it felt like jordan and i were attacking her the whole time. i hate that i fly 3,000 miles to see my best friend, whose father has just died an untimely death, and instead i sit there trying to tell her why i think i understand the internet better than she does. arghgh.
on a more pleasant note, afterwards, we went to visit jordan's rent-controlled artist's loft (which he lied to get, although he does buy a lot of art so maybe that counts?) in the pearl district. he has slate-gray walls and huge framed art from various comic book artists on the walls. an entire closet devoted to his domestic & imported selections of video games. a flatscreen television the size of my kitchen table. fifteen cabinets of three drawers each, each drawer holding 30 to 50 cds. shelving units full of his record collection. art books everywhere. his two cats, godzilla and samantha.
oh god i want to move to portland. so badly. my parents have been alluding to a possible investment thingy, in which (for instance) kirk and i would (hypothetically of course) live in a house my parents bought, paying rent to them and being in charge of fixing up the place. and wouldn't that be nice? it makes no sense to me that we might live in portland, in a house which we might barely afford, and paying tons of money to a stranger. why not back to the family? i want a little house. with a garden. i want a saab. i want a kitchen that is not a glorified hallway.
i have a million thoughts running through my head about this. part of me is dreading the return to work on thursday, the return to a hostile unbloomed cambridge spring. i miss my love and i miss the kittens, i miss my laptop and the gas stove. maybe it is time to look for a new job at harvard. may 2 is our second anniversary, and the completion of an entire year of k in massachusetts. in may, i will have been in my current job for 19 months. i am think think thinking about all of this.
last night i went for margaritas with jennie & jordan, at oba!, where we had an unsatisfying debate about Why I Use Livejournal. jennie thinks by turns it is egotistical, self-inflating, pointless, etc (although by some miracle, i am assumed to be immune from those tendencies, in her estimation). and yes of course these are all true. she sees it as essentially pointless, how can thousands of people think their thoughts are interesting enough to be read, etc, why would anyone possibly want to expose themselves in some way, etc, it's not a 'real' way to represent one's self. but i can't explain very well to her how it is that i feel and see no weird disjunction between the self as portrayed in real life versus livejournal, or versus the blog. i think i have adapted to writing about my life in a different way than she has -- she has not kept a journal since high school, and i have maintained one always. even now i have paper multiples: a journal for the very occasional things that need pen & ink writing, a journal for sketching and list-making, .txt files on my work computer for other small thoughts to myself. she says she does not think of my style of writing as fake or necessarily egotistical, but i don't really buy that. and we never intended to have an argumentative happy hour at oba!, but it felt like jordan and i were attacking her the whole time. i hate that i fly 3,000 miles to see my best friend, whose father has just died an untimely death, and instead i sit there trying to tell her why i think i understand the internet better than she does. arghgh.
on a more pleasant note, afterwards, we went to visit jordan's rent-controlled artist's loft (which he lied to get, although he does buy a lot of art so maybe that counts?) in the pearl district. he has slate-gray walls and huge framed art from various comic book artists on the walls. an entire closet devoted to his domestic & imported selections of video games. a flatscreen television the size of my kitchen table. fifteen cabinets of three drawers each, each drawer holding 30 to 50 cds. shelving units full of his record collection. art books everywhere. his two cats, godzilla and samantha.
oh god i want to move to portland. so badly. my parents have been alluding to a possible investment thingy, in which (for instance) kirk and i would (hypothetically of course) live in a house my parents bought, paying rent to them and being in charge of fixing up the place. and wouldn't that be nice? it makes no sense to me that we might live in portland, in a house which we might barely afford, and paying tons of money to a stranger. why not back to the family? i want a little house. with a garden. i want a saab. i want a kitchen that is not a glorified hallway.
i have a million thoughts running through my head about this. part of me is dreading the return to work on thursday, the return to a hostile unbloomed cambridge spring. i miss my love and i miss the kittens, i miss my laptop and the gas stove. maybe it is time to look for a new job at harvard. may 2 is our second anniversary, and the completion of an entire year of k in massachusetts. in may, i will have been in my current job for 19 months. i am think think thinking about all of this.
