cri du coeur
Sep. 27th, 2001 09:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aslantcraziness du car last night, the entire commute home blocked and scavaged by construction and missed connections. and j and n were both pissed as rocks, hating people hating jobs hating parents. i never know what to say. so at home c and i did the cooking and let j and n come to it in their own time. n had a much better plan for the carbonara than the recipe: it was divine. it was so much heavy cream we were all dairy-drunk.
i proposed the toast. to clarity of thought! and to the clarity of thought of absent friends!
afterwards i sat at the table feeling blacknblue and said i think i need to lie down for a bit.
into the dizzy hour i lay listening to (what else) kid a. the symphony on the edge of the void. loud enough to crackle the panes of glass. i dozed on the edge of it and ignored a million messages screaming to be written on paper with ink; i listened for when the girls returned downstairs, to help with the cleanup. but it never came.
hours later a knock, i suppose. i woke to the bright room knocking, j asking if i was awake. i wanted to cry i was so confused and lost and uncomprehending. i could feel the digestive heat like a sauna in my stomach. oof. so i got into pyjamas and went back to sleep.
i dreamt of licentious catholic masses. the priest bellowing into the dark church. my mother and my sister there with me. emptying rooms of their furniture. great heavy trunks [la camera dei bauli] and unmentionables. r was there.
& no dreams of.
you know. the rest of it. all these other things i'm thinking.
j on the porch: the last thing we need around here is more angst!
and indeed isn't it true? and yet and yet: there is something that nudges me, needles me with doubt. what's going on here? no more riddles: i think i may have made a mistake. i think i let my fears speak when i shouldn't have. i think i let money creep into it [there's the shocking word]. i think i just didn't want my life disrupted.
which is a fancy way of saying this: i think i cut love out of me because i was afraid.
i proposed the toast. to clarity of thought! and to the clarity of thought of absent friends!
afterwards i sat at the table feeling blacknblue and said i think i need to lie down for a bit.
into the dizzy hour i lay listening to (what else) kid a. the symphony on the edge of the void. loud enough to crackle the panes of glass. i dozed on the edge of it and ignored a million messages screaming to be written on paper with ink; i listened for when the girls returned downstairs, to help with the cleanup. but it never came.
hours later a knock, i suppose. i woke to the bright room knocking, j asking if i was awake. i wanted to cry i was so confused and lost and uncomprehending. i could feel the digestive heat like a sauna in my stomach. oof. so i got into pyjamas and went back to sleep.
i dreamt of licentious catholic masses. the priest bellowing into the dark church. my mother and my sister there with me. emptying rooms of their furniture. great heavy trunks [la camera dei bauli] and unmentionables. r was there.
& no dreams of.
you know. the rest of it. all these other things i'm thinking.
j on the porch: the last thing we need around here is more angst!
and indeed isn't it true? and yet and yet: there is something that nudges me, needles me with doubt. what's going on here? no more riddles: i think i may have made a mistake. i think i let my fears speak when i shouldn't have. i think i let money creep into it [there's the shocking word]. i think i just didn't want my life disrupted.
which is a fancy way of saying this: i think i cut love out of me because i was afraid.
