(no subject)

[aslant]

went to see the lesley ave apartment.
all inner-shrieky with its perfection.
cranberry kitchen, jade living room,
cable modem, hbo, porch etc. my hypo-
thetical room? slanting ceilings. two
windows. walls painted (what else?)
blue. i pine, i pine.



.


i panic, i panic.

it is (too) soon. i need a new job. a
good, fascinating, well-paying job.

i need to not subsist in this margin.

turning my critical eye on everything.
but elsewhere: the bus and the T are
hectic, vivid, with people. & not
crowded. just, overwhelming. finding
mirrors are inadequate. dissassociate.
yes, reading difficult books. yes,
talking to myself. yes, edgy at my own
hands. (yes, hornbacher. belatedly.
i never, i never.)

dreams of a doll child. she wears my
underthings but perfectly. stands in
the emptied rooms of my old bare-
roofed red dollhouse. no she
tells me. it looks like you've
killed the other ones.

i woke to the soft fall of a pillow
(the down one, thieved so unclever
from icelandair) thinking it is you.