the empty twilight evening
Jul. 31st, 2001 09:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aslantcarrie and jenny and i have decided to go for the beautiful and expensive apartment. hopefully lorna has not received any better offers.
and last night we talked again. and yes it was strange, again, to hang up and not be there. i tried to read my book and stared at the lumpen inanimate phone sitting on the edge of the bed like a sleeping thing. as if it was somebody. it was a long and empty evening, and i read and read into the dark. waited for jennie to call, and she didn't, not yet. i await her news.
what am i afraid of? confidence shattered somewhat this morning on the street. the young guy, construction booted, looking at me noncomittally with the giant tall sheet of wood in his hands. as if he was waiting for me to say something and amused/disgusted that i didn't.
and on into the night i watched the clouds fade. high cirrus clouds yesterday evening like a threadbare covering for the achingly blue sky. still feeling torn in two. still feeling like i've missed the right door, somewhere there is the right hallway or room that leads into someone else's life. hello and here i am. i am sorry it took me so long.
the simple and shattering truth is that we do not live in the movies. and this confrontation with possibilities is killing me.
for days now, a copper taste in my mouth. hunger wanes.
and last night we talked again. and yes it was strange, again, to hang up and not be there. i tried to read my book and stared at the lumpen inanimate phone sitting on the edge of the bed like a sleeping thing. as if it was somebody. it was a long and empty evening, and i read and read into the dark. waited for jennie to call, and she didn't, not yet. i await her news.
what am i afraid of? confidence shattered somewhat this morning on the street. the young guy, construction booted, looking at me noncomittally with the giant tall sheet of wood in his hands. as if he was waiting for me to say something and amused/disgusted that i didn't.
and on into the night i watched the clouds fade. high cirrus clouds yesterday evening like a threadbare covering for the achingly blue sky. still feeling torn in two. still feeling like i've missed the right door, somewhere there is the right hallway or room that leads into someone else's life. hello and here i am. i am sorry it took me so long.
the simple and shattering truth is that we do not live in the movies. and this confrontation with possibilities is killing me.
for days now, a copper taste in my mouth. hunger wanes.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2001-07-31 07:03 am (UTC)should we jump in with both feet? we don't lie in the movies. but we can pretend. and shoot anyone who disagrees.
Re:
Date: 2001-07-31 07:22 am (UTC)i think i'm too scared to jump in with both feet. i'd like to pretend i'm not but i am. terrified of what might happen. terrified of the future.
Re:
Date: 2001-07-31 07:28 am (UTC)you don't have to jump in with both feet. I don't want to scare you.
Re:
Date: 2001-07-31 07:35 am (UTC)i too am jealous of the fly on the wall, the passers-by, velcro, phenna. anyone who is there. unfairly there are planes that leave hourly. and unfairly there is this wide and solid chasm between us.