a loose construction helmet

[aslant]

i had to help margaret just now with putting out billowing white paper tablecloths on the tables outside in the spot between the construction site and the other building. we picked through the rubble of paving stones and twisted rebar and there were unfilled pits everywhere. slowly i looked around and realized that among the tall stacks of marble flagstones for the lobby there was an elaborately large barbecue grill, several in fact, and a lengthy banquet table covered in hot dishes. the sun was glaring and dusty and my hat was too loose and kept slipping off to the side, crushing my right ear. i must have looked ridiculous.

we set down all the mats, and the catering kids helped us. a friendly dark-haired guy with funny eyebrows and interesting shoes kept placing the chairs over where i was, finding excuses to say funny things in my direction. i laughed back. the young tan girl with them was also nice. so interesting to be among these strong people outside in the sun, serving vital things to hungry men at lunchtimes. was momentarily sickened to see that margaret and i were the only women doing this in the vicinity, all the men were off carting wheelbarrows of slag and broken pavement, or up on ladders wiring the trees for lights. i felt (as usual?) distant and disconnected from the scene.

there is not enough shade out there. eating greasy outdoor food with a lot of men who will look at me sounds like hell. i won't go.

sad and sadder, dark-haired guy and the tan girl (with her pink shirt and shoes) are the only people, my age that i've seen in a long time, in this building (not counting eireann, or bagel-shop kids). perhaps that is why he was so friendly like that, knowing the proceeding hours would be full of the adult element, the sweat and breath and appetite of men who work with their muscles all day long in the hot sun, in those ridiculous hard hats that just make me feel even more vulnerable, to noises echoing.

why am i working here? i wonder sometimes, at my blind momentum.

Comments

Re:

[aslant.livejournal.com]

chicken, indeed. ribs are so very messy.

when i get my act together i'll take pictures of me romping around in my purple dress. then forever and ever you'll be glad you didn't send me a ticket. you can say, this is a picture of the girl i nearly wasted money on.

also i'm wondering, even if hypothetically i visited: despite trying to not put pressure on the entire situation, i do think i might feel pressure anyway, to make you like me and i'd hate to force something to develop. then i'd feel like a cheap mail-order whore. which is pretty much what it would look like, don't you think? hm. depressing thoughts.

food was too rich. dizzy now.

jesse jesse jesse

[kleinekatze.livejournal.com]

for goodness sakes girl, you need some raisens. or something to help your mood. if this comes off as me trying to "save" you or whatever, well, so be it.

jess, you ARE gorgous, every picture of you that i have ever seen has been a beatuiful image of a wonderful girl. (i'm half a mind to scan one or two of 'em and post them on line for antony, because he deserves to know how lovely you are.) whatever happened to the jesse who would slap on some comfy jeans and a sweater and come pick me up from school downtown? that was a beautiful jesse. and what about the jesse who dressed up in a corset and HUGE dress to show to some people when you came home from italy? what happened to that sister of mine? where did she go? if you can find her, please bring her home, because i miss her, and i'm not pleased with this new jesse, who feels she is on somesort of verge of discusting/ugly. christ, jess, you're so wonderfully awesome as yourself, why think you should change? if antony is all he's cracked up to be (i have a great deal of fun reading stuff about him in an accent) then he won't give a shit about anything. if he's able to have this type of relationship with you without seeing a picture or nuthin, then he's nothing less than wonderful. take a deep breath and realize how nifty you are. how uniquely cool you are. and on the count of three, snap out of this weird phase you're in, and return to being the jesse that i know...unless that was just a mask to help your kid sister become a woman. god, i hope not.

i love you jesse, i hope you letter comes today or tomorrow. oh, and thanks for eating.

-kate

Re: jesse jesse jesse

[aslant.livejournal.com]

oh katie,

but i think often you idolize me because you're my sister. it's not to say i don't value your opinion, because i do, but all the same i still have high high high standards for myself. please do not post pictures of me online. i live in fear these days, unworthiness.

i'm hitting bottom. i think i am. i didn't want lunch and i won't want dinner. i cannot enjoy things. i'm fading off.

but: thank you for the confidence-boost. i don't want you to feel responsible for dredging me out of my slump, really.

Re: jesse jesse jesse

[kleinekatze.livejournal.com]

not to worry, i was only half serious about those pictures....anyways....

i'm trying not to feel responcible...i think it's my nature, just like it's mom's...yeesh, thanks ma for that one. i just don't like seeing you all icky on yourself. i don't like it, says me, not one bit. but it's your life, and if you need to be icky right now, then you need to be icky, and it's not my job to "fix" you, as much as i don't like that. i guess all i can say is 'i love you'.

so what comes after the bottom? do all things that go down come back up?

i think i'm going to post a picture for my lj...good idea, no?

-me

Re: jesse jesse jesse

[aslant.livejournal.com]

yeah, you should post a photo. i keep saying i'll post one of me when i was three or so, it's cute. i'm in a red dress on the roof of a car on bruce and pat's driveway i think, or maybe at cottage grove circle. and my mouth is open like i'm saying, "rwar!"...it's cute.

after the bottom comes...more bottom. can't see the light quite yet.

photo

[kleinekatze.livejournal.com]

i'll go find ya a young photo of yourself if ya like...the photo i put up of me, well, it's from last night...it's interesting...it was a half dare, the other half was brene wanted to kiss a chick. well, i'm a chick all right. *grin*

maybe you should throw some raisens at the construction workers? yell at them that you're going to hold their hat's hostage until they aquire some much needed manners. just a thought.

Re: photo

[aslant.livejournal.com]

no, no, the only photo i want is the one i have, in my little red dress.

you put yours up already? must go look...

i think construction workers are more mannerly than i give them credit for. they just want something to look at, and i just happen to hate beign looked at.

Re: photo

[kleinekatze.livejournal.com]

actually, no, it's not there yet, the file can't be bigger than 40k, and i guess it's bigger, i'll go fix that, damnit!!!

where's the photo? with you?

Re: photo

[aslant.livejournal.com]

yeah, i have it at home. need to scan it at kinko's this weekend, maybe.

mebbe.

dear christ. some office guy just sang that 'rollin rollin rollin" intro part to the kid rock song. lord preserve us from 30something cock-rock addicts.

kid rock

[kleinekatze.livejournal.com]

kid rock and pam anderson are engaged. yuck. filthy people.

anyways, i can't get the picture online yet, because it has to be a certain size and a certain format...and i haven't figured out how to change the format yet...and dad's at lunch...so i can't get to him yet...

arg

Re: kid rock

[aslant.livejournal.com]

jesus christ the two of them can fall of the face of the earth for all i care. didn't she pop out enough warped and psychologically twisted children with tommy lee?

hm. too bad you can't use the imac, the photosoap disk does some cool stuff.

damned photos

[kleinekatze.livejournal.com]

kids? they had kids? oh christ...that's scary.

well, i got it to fit ALL of their stupid regulations, but it's still teeny tiny. weird. i'll fix it later, i'm off to the mall with jana to get a steering wheel cover for the mazda....yay! yipeee!!!!!! happy almost birthday to me! oh, and to you to sis.

bye for now, have a somewhat happy night, deal? i'll rejoyce in my steering wheel, and you can eat some cucumbers. (hey, it worked for me last night.) i love you,

-me

Re: damned photos

[aslant.livejournal.com]

kate,

you have to scan in the photo and then crop out the white! haha, it looks like a squished bug right now...

thanks for the happy birthday.

no cucumbers to be had. hm. i'm too tired anyways.

later...

Re:

[booshtukka.livejournal.com]

I like ribs though. and chicken too.

a picture of the girl i nearly wasted money on. that's an awful thought. and it's not true and wouldn't happen.

why would you feel this pressure? I DO like you. believe that. although I see what you're saying. I just want to think of the perfect things that might happen.