scrubbed and sour with sleep
Aug. 6th, 2001 08:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aslantanother perpetual and unanswerable morning. i am leading an imagined and unbeginnable life.
woke before the alarm repeatedly, blearing at the sun in the shades and doing nothing, turning over, sleeping more, curving body and curling self into someone not there. fell asleep late after pushing and pushing into more and more sylvia plath, who writes disturbing things about her mother now, and discovered ted had an affair, probably. the fallibility of men. but i felt a hand on my hip the whole time while i read, and i read parts of it out loud. if you heard me. if.
on the radio an l.a. critic was discussing the new print of apocalypse now (redux) and how stunning the colors are now. and added scenes "resetting its internal clock". remembering senior year and post seven brides being dragged along to dominic's house with jr and kara and horror upon horror unable to concentrate on the screen although desperately wanted to watch it: the nightmare of them on the couch was too much. why did we turn it off? in my memory it is because the force of my discontent shattered all the windows.
spoke with jennie for an hour last night, my faraway and genius lovely girl. she says she is alright but i keep my fingers crossed for her. just in case. her advice spurred me to condense all weary and unfocused thought into two polar opposite ideas with one caveat:
1. i can go. i should go. i ought to go. what is stopping me? at worst i stand to risk complete rejection, loss of a beautiful and wordy love-affair, and also the friendship of a boy i have known hardly more than a week.
2. i can not go. this is as much a decision as a negation. in deciding to not go: i can protect everything. vital bits, self-image, brink of depression, etc. then i suffer the inevitable petering out of said love-affair, killed by too much teoria not enough practica, and also the ensuing years of doubting what-ifs and never knowing.
although perhaps august is a closed month to me, it is not so long a month and at the end of it i have two roads open. one leads firmly airport-wise and is the more frightening, the other is the same road i always walk, back home. i am not truly tied to this city. life easily transports with minimal fuss across seas. londonward. where did the plain road get me six years ago? not to seattle.
caveat: a passport is, apparently, an easy and swift thing to renew.
woke before the alarm repeatedly, blearing at the sun in the shades and doing nothing, turning over, sleeping more, curving body and curling self into someone not there. fell asleep late after pushing and pushing into more and more sylvia plath, who writes disturbing things about her mother now, and discovered ted had an affair, probably. the fallibility of men. but i felt a hand on my hip the whole time while i read, and i read parts of it out loud. if you heard me. if.
on the radio an l.a. critic was discussing the new print of apocalypse now (redux) and how stunning the colors are now. and added scenes "resetting its internal clock". remembering senior year and post seven brides being dragged along to dominic's house with jr and kara and horror upon horror unable to concentrate on the screen although desperately wanted to watch it: the nightmare of them on the couch was too much. why did we turn it off? in my memory it is because the force of my discontent shattered all the windows.
spoke with jennie for an hour last night, my faraway and genius lovely girl. she says she is alright but i keep my fingers crossed for her. just in case. her advice spurred me to condense all weary and unfocused thought into two polar opposite ideas with one caveat:
1. i can go. i should go. i ought to go. what is stopping me? at worst i stand to risk complete rejection, loss of a beautiful and wordy love-affair, and also the friendship of a boy i have known hardly more than a week.
2. i can not go. this is as much a decision as a negation. in deciding to not go: i can protect everything. vital bits, self-image, brink of depression, etc. then i suffer the inevitable petering out of said love-affair, killed by too much teoria not enough practica, and also the ensuing years of doubting what-ifs and never knowing.
although perhaps august is a closed month to me, it is not so long a month and at the end of it i have two roads open. one leads firmly airport-wise and is the more frightening, the other is the same road i always walk, back home. i am not truly tied to this city. life easily transports with minimal fuss across seas. londonward. where did the plain road get me six years ago? not to seattle.
caveat: a passport is, apparently, an easy and swift thing to renew.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2001-08-06 06:19 am (UTC)and I fancy that I did hear you. and I did think I was resting my hand on your hip. every time I woke, I snuggled into you, and told you I love you. did you hear me?
I considered posting anonymous comments, all suggesting you should move to London. would have been a cunning plan. but I didn't.
Re:
Date: 2001-08-06 06:26 am (UTC)everyone is weighing in on the issue. as it should be. one friend has asked for a dna sample, genealogical records, credit history, and criminal record before she allows me on the plane.
several have offered to accompany me to london personally :)
i love my friends. i wish i could take them all to london.
i might have heard you. i was reading intently. when i was done i told you i was tired and curled up gratefully in the crook of your arm. i wished you were there when i read the scary parts of the journal. i needed a warm hand to hold.
Re:
Date: 2001-08-06 06:31 am (UTC)genealogical records - pretty complex. you know the basics.
credit history - actually, I have a terrible credit history. because I ran a business, and had no money for two years. this doesn't change the fact that I earn three times what my father does now.
criminal record - none that would show up :)
I know what you mean. I keep trying to explain to people that I have no idea what the person I am in love with looks like. they don't get it, as a rule - although rob likes the lights-out meeting plan. but then, I tell guys, and you tell girls. so you have an easier audience :)
I tried I tried I tried to hold your hand. when I am half-asleep, I sometimes think I am. but then I roll into you, and you're just space.
Re:
Date: 2001-08-06 06:36 am (UTC)jennie thought the lights-out plan was a little scary, thinking of the terrible anticipatory lights-on moment. but i said it wasn't like that. not really.
i don't know if girls are an easier audience. my safety is apparently a more complex issue than i'd thought. women have been killed, raped, left for dead in alleys, in similar situations. none of which i suspect you of, but again these are thoughts that must run through any self-respecting girl's head.
Re:
Date: 2001-08-06 06:40 am (UTC)it isn't like that. we don't have to turn the lights on.
ok. being killed, raped and left for dead wouldn't appeal to me either. there's no way I can prove that I don't intend to do that. I guess that's time.
Re:
Date: 2001-08-06 06:42 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2001-08-06 06:45 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2001-08-06 06:57 am (UTC)although beyond all logic and safety i already trust you. as if i've known you years & years.
Re:
Date: 2001-08-06 06:59 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2001-08-06 07:27 am (UTC)i like this story. i want to write it. i wish i knew you when you were younger. at six, maybe.
Re:
Date: 2001-08-06 07:32 am (UTC)I love to read your writings. are you so critical over the lyrics I write?
Re:
Date: 2001-08-06 07:39 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2001-08-06 07:41 am (UTC)a lot of my lyrics look non-sensical, or cheesy on paper, and sound completely different when sung.
"I've been figuring out, what's wrong with me. it's everything you said I couldn't be"
Re:
Date: 2001-08-06 07:45 am (UTC)exactly--they say completely different things when sung.
that is a particularly sad one. i do not want anyone to ever tell you there is something you couldn't be.
often i feel so protective of you. like i can fix things, prop you up. keep away monsters and paranoia. is that a bad thing? i know it is not excellent to want to fix people all the time. but it's more than that.
Re:
Date: 2001-08-06 07:51 am (UTC)hahaha. I have NEVER sung about socks. ever. it was a completely new idea to me.
that song is about natalie. the lyrics are very much how i feel about her.
"I've been wondering, what locks my smiles away. it's all the things that I can't say."
Re:
Date: 2001-08-06 07:55 am (UTC)you and your sad lyrics today :( i wish i could fix you right now. arrive and rush you away for hot tea and a nap somewhere safe and warm.
on the day you pass away - ask if you can bring a friend
Date: 2001-08-06 07:58 am (UTC)I wish you could fix me too. I don't think I'm easy to fix though.
"on the day you pass away - ask if you can bring a friend,
I would rather that my sweet - than for our love to end"
[insert happy lyric here]
Date: 2001-08-06 08:05 am (UTC)i say fix as if you are broken. which is not true. merely out-of-joint. at the very least i could massage our your kinks. and encourage you to drink water. and other things like that.
Re: [insert happy lyric here]
Date: 2001-08-06 08:09 am (UTC)massaging my kinks would be nice :) and being encouraged to drink water too - haha. I think I need that, to be pushed into things. to be forced to eat healthily would be good too. I am convinced I am going to have a heart attack.
Re: [insert happy lyric here]
Date: 2001-08-06 08:14 am (UTC)mirka? what a great name.
hq will be so impressed they will pay off all of my debts and establish us in a suitably fabulous villa somewhere, far from the madding crowds, and all sorts of renowned artists and poets and writers and djs and such will visit us simply for the pleasure of our company and our kitchen--i will also run a cooking school. god i miss cooking for crowds.
Re: [insert happy lyric here]
Date: 2001-08-06 08:18 am (UTC)you can cook with my mother. she does catering for weddings, and so on. and we can have huge spanish parties. there is a sort of barbequeue in spain, where they cook these strange onion things, and they are filthy to eat :) I will show you one day.
Re: [insert happy lyric here]
Date: 2001-08-06 08:23 am (UTC)filthy barbecued onions in spain :) another delicious plan. almost as good as jaunting to tokyo just to get a cup of noodles, which i have also dreamt of in my spare time.
on saturday i ate only japanese food. tempura from the stand in quincy market (the crowd pushing shoving receipts at the chef who yelled in japanese the entire time at the rice boy); sushi that afternoon with carrie; rice with soy sauce for dinner with chopsticks stolen from the sushi store. i love chopsticks. i wish i could subsist on rice. i should move to china.
Re: [insert happy lyric here]
Date: 2001-08-06 08:28 am (UTC)I would love to go to tokyo. and hong kong. we will.
and there is a restaurant in paris, where the floors are made of glass. and terrapins and fish look up at you from beneath. I will take you there too.
subsist?
I like chopsticks too. makes me feel elite :) alas, I have found nowhere that will deliver me chinese food as of yet.
Re: [insert happy lyric here]
Date: 2001-08-06 08:35 am (UTC)surely there must be a hardworking chinatown in london? somewhere someone waits to deliver you some of this miraculous and sticky rice-encased food. to be sure: the chinese might take offense if you ask for sushi, it being primarily japanese. but no matter. some places have combined menus.
yes. fishglass floorrestaurants in paris.
the day seems so shitty i want to tear out my hair and burst out of my skin and scream out of the building towards you:
FOR FUCK'S SAKE LET'S GO NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. TO PARIS. TO TOKYO. TO AMSTERDAM. NOW.
but i just sit here quietly with my knees demurely crossed. biding my time...
Re: [insert happy lyric here]
Date: 2001-08-06 08:40 am (UTC)"my heart subsists mainly on you" - that's very sweet :) I smile stupidly, and phenn wonders why.
paris, tokyo, amsterdam. anywhere my sweet. as long as you join me.
these are all completely realistic suggestions btw, we could go anywhere you wanted.
Re: [insert happy lyric here]
Date: 2001-08-06 08:51 am (UTC)mmm. maybe i'll hunt around in the square to see if i can find any for lunch. sushi. sushi. brain. fixed. on. sushi.
you say 'completely realistic suggestions' with such offhanded assurance. my heart flutters. i am a travel addict, perhaps.
Re: [insert happy lyric here]
Date: 2001-08-06 09:07 am (UTC)offhanded assurance :) if you are a travel addict, I can keep you supplied. we both complete eachother. you can protect me from myself - and I can take you everywhere. I think you will rekindle my interest in "things" too.
I saw that film, with the female baseball team last night. the lead character (I forget her name) was from Oregon, but she didn't have the accent you do. I'm sure that sandra bullock must be from there.
Re: [insert happy lyric here]
Date: 2001-08-06 09:13 am (UTC)is that 'a league of their own'? never saw it. people in movies from oregon never sound like true oregonians.
i still don't buy that i sound like sandra bullock. i'm not that big a fan. plus how can you take someone seriously whose last name sounds like bollocks?
ridiculous. truly.
unaffected by drugs. decided I'm in love.
Date: 2001-08-06 09:21 am (UTC)haha. you don't have to be a fan of hers, I just think she is from oregon, because you pronounce certain words alike. and I KNOW her surname sounds like bollocks - that's part of her charm :)
yes, you can show me places in my own country, and rekindle my fascination for pretty things.
Re: unaffected by drugs. decided I'm in love.
Date: 2001-08-06 09:30 am (UTC)i just want to wake you up and make you happy.
Re: unaffected by drugs. decided I'm in love.
Date: 2001-08-06 09:31 am (UTC)Re: unaffected by drugs. decided I'm in love.
Date: 2001-08-06 09:33 am (UTC)as if i'm training to walk up a mountain in the high thin air.
or (of course) across a rope bridge. not looking down because i am tremendously afraid of heights, when i can see them.
Re: unaffected by drugs. decided I'm in love.
Date: 2001-08-06 09:41 am (UTC)Re: unaffected by drugs. decided I'm in love.
Date: 2001-08-06 09:48 am (UTC)please work. do not let me interfere. i shall catch up on emails from friends that i (guilty, guilty) have let pile up this morning and last week.