(no subject)

the flight may have been predictably horrible (center seat, broken headrest, irritable seatmates, $10 lunch i could not afford & thus mild hallucinatory starvation between chicago & pdx), at least this flight was one of those in which i feel human. sometimes when i fly i am still lost, or i've outrun my actual soul. just a shell looking out a window, looking at a clock for the eighth time still not comprehending how to read it, etcetera. somewhere above idaho i was listening to an angsty song on repeat and rubbing away the beginnings of tears, and starting to think about what jennie's brother's face will look like. try to imagine richie saying, my father is dead. try to imagine her sister saying it, try to imagine jennie herself saying it. try to imagine jennie's mother sharon, that bright look in her eyes. it scares me to think that bright look might be gone.



oregon is impossibly lush. a multilayered bowlful of clouds, so many shades of green my eyes watered when we drove off the exit and into familiar little west linn. the backyard overflowing with green, as usual. my bedroom, a little damp from the open window, a little musty. the cats have grown fatter than can be believed, i can hardly pick up seamus. he's like a baby lamb, except not delicate in any way.

my brother and sister are coming home this weekend---so rare for all five of us to be home without a holiday to occasion it. i haven't been home since last june. the air here is so fucking clean, the birds sound so familiar. i'm being stupid and pastoralist and nostalgic but i can't help but fall in love with this place every single time i return.