holiday wishes, tongue firmly in cheek

from a friend at work:

Please accept, with no obligation, implied or implicit, the best wishes of F___ A_______ (sometimes hereinafter referred to as the "wisher") for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "America" in the western hemisphere or that there are not other hemispheres of equal dignity), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee (or lack thereof with regards to any or all of such factors) (and further not to imply that the winter solstice should be considered a holiday for those afflicted, through no fault of their own, with some form of psychological or physical depression occasioned by the natural reduction of sunlight or increase in precipitation due to seasonal factors (or increase/reduction for those in the so-called Southern Hemisphere))

Lewis & Clark College is sometimes a very peculiar place, but as my newly-adopted home, I'm beginning to learn and love some of its customs...