no preoccupation with constellations
Sep. 17th, 2001 09:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aslantit's really impossible to say anything. to put into. words. is.it?.
last night i dreamt i was in a bicycle crash. the night before i dreamt of you. your mother and your sister were there. we were old friends. your beautiful hopeful face. the night previous i dreamt of a giant hollow golden key. but i had no use for it. how do you retake what was never yours. [un]real. i don't believe that. we are at war. and i can think of none of it. just of a person.
how to eat words.
memory does not recall ever crying this much. ever.
when exactly did it crack like that, the rupture between what was so sure and the suddenness of the impossible? that fissure that crevasse that uncrossable river. sobs that take over my frame like vengeance. like they want to break me, wring blood from a stone. remind me how impossible and unworthy i am. how undeserving and ungrateful and terrible rageful inadequacy. the insurgence of memory: i had forgotten how much i hated myself. i am full of knots and nothing undoes them. i am undone but still knotted up tight. hamstrung.
it hurts when i breathe, you said. right there in the middle. and i thought, that's heartbreak, love. but i didn't say it because that hurt too. god.
there are no words for how much you are worth. you so honest so clear so good and true and unimaginably earnest. no words for that worth. it is so much more than i. than i can say. than i could ever hope to understand.
i'm just so fucking.fractured..,shattered and nowhere to put the marionette with her strings cut.
last night i dreamt i was in a bicycle crash. the night before i dreamt of you. your mother and your sister were there. we were old friends. your beautiful hopeful face. the night previous i dreamt of a giant hollow golden key. but i had no use for it. how do you retake what was never yours. [un]real. i don't believe that. we are at war. and i can think of none of it. just of a person.
how to eat words.
memory does not recall ever crying this much. ever.
when exactly did it crack like that, the rupture between what was so sure and the suddenness of the impossible? that fissure that crevasse that uncrossable river. sobs that take over my frame like vengeance. like they want to break me, wring blood from a stone. remind me how impossible and unworthy i am. how undeserving and ungrateful and terrible rageful inadequacy. the insurgence of memory: i had forgotten how much i hated myself. i am full of knots and nothing undoes them. i am undone but still knotted up tight. hamstrung.
it hurts when i breathe, you said. right there in the middle. and i thought, that's heartbreak, love. but i didn't say it because that hurt too. god.
there are no words for how much you are worth. you so honest so clear so good and true and unimaginably earnest. no words for that worth. it is so much more than i. than i can say. than i could ever hope to understand.
i'm just so fucking.fractured..,shattered and nowhere to put the marionette with her strings cut.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Re:
Date: 2001-09-17 07:09 am (UTC)this is over and beyond me not liking myself. this my entire fucking life falling apart right now. everything. my job my house myself my finances my emotions my loves my selfimage my ability to fucking walk down the sidewalk. i don't consider that an excuse for the rest of this. it's background noise.
no subject
Date: 2001-09-17 07:09 am (UTC)"i know it's only a small amount of self-esteem that you possess. please don't let that get into the way of our happiness."
i meant it. i tried to make it easy. but if i made you unyhappy, i'm sorry. and i won't do it anymore.