a raincheck
Oct. 13th, 2001 12:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aslantperry. he loved me even if he didn't really know me. i was his little girl, his pet; his debauched blonde. i did so much for him. i pulled myself down into the muck. i hated that he could love me when i felt so filthy, so disgusting and ugly. when i don't take my time i trip myself up; i get into things i don't mean.
in florence when he visited i wanted nothing more than to join a convent. he went out once and i snuck back in, fell into a bathtub of icy water. i wanted hypothermia. i wanted to kill the flesh he fucked. when he came home i sobbed but i said nothing.
deny, deny, deny.
i'm thinking, hard.
i have such high standards. not even i measure up.
antony. i would do better to attempt to keep quiet. fear fills in the pauses. when you read this please do not mistake me: if this was pity i would have never spoken.
it could be worse. it could be worse. it could be worse.
years from here we will meet and by then i will have found a better way of saying i'm sorry. it will not involve quite as much needling of your scars. it will not rhyme with bitter regret.
i'm lukewarm water
grey matter
fundamentally i cannot overcome shame. i cannot give myself away to anyone.
in florence when he visited i wanted nothing more than to join a convent. he went out once and i snuck back in, fell into a bathtub of icy water. i wanted hypothermia. i wanted to kill the flesh he fucked. when he came home i sobbed but i said nothing.
deny, deny, deny.
i'm thinking, hard.
i have such high standards. not even i measure up.
antony. i would do better to attempt to keep quiet. fear fills in the pauses. when you read this please do not mistake me: if this was pity i would have never spoken.
it could be worse. it could be worse. it could be worse.
years from here we will meet and by then i will have found a better way of saying i'm sorry. it will not involve quite as much needling of your scars. it will not rhyme with bitter regret.
i'm lukewarm water
grey matter
fundamentally i cannot overcome shame. i cannot give myself away to anyone.
