/dehydrate/incohate/
Aug. 1st, 2001 09:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aslanta. strange. night. indeed.
restless and listless (still lackluster) i hung up the phone. tried to cry, couldn't. no water left in me. i went outside on the porch with my jam jar of sweet cold water and watched the dirty twilit sky revolving westerly. the streets dim. my heart and my eyes, dim. the pearling near-full moon dropping from one end of the roof looking at me like it knew me. knew what i was thinking.
and so i went to bed mildly early. still restless. little did i know. the entire time i was living in brazil.
woke at 2:30 am to unfocused dreams of leading antony around a party with my old high school friends. and sitting him with a group and then having to leave. but leading him by the hand the whole time and yes (power of suggestion) an indistinct face. there is more more more to the dream that was ruffled rudely out of me when i awoke to a piercing
beep
which was the fire alarm on the ceiling complaining of a low battery. i tried to ignore it. i couldn't. it was beating my eardrums, startling me awake every thirty interminable seconds. i turned on the light. i was dizzy, unawake. i dragged a chair in and reached up and tried to pull it out but it was attached firmly. i wandered barefoot into the living room to see if there was a socket in the ceiling from the other one we ripped out weeks ago, so i could see how to take it out. no sign of anything.
returned to bedroom. tugged and tugged and had wild thoughts that maybe it was connected to an alarm circuit (like on airplanes) and i would set off a real alarm if i succeeded in wrenching it free. which i did. and it didn't go off.
with sleepy effort i managed to yank out the old battery. discovered in dismay that it still beeps without the battery, albeit faintly. buried it under a cushion in the faraway living room and left the battery on the table and went back to bed. could not fall asleep. kept hearing somebody's voice in my ear. realizing he might actually have been up at that hour. strange. vague faraway voice finally put me to sleep, still restless, clutching a knot of blanket that was definitely not a hand.
and this morning, to further my brazil experience, the water went strange in the shower. in fits and spurts it would have greater or lesser pressure. scalding to lukewarm. also the toilet made funny noises, and is apparently unhappy with new brand of toilet paper. the apartment is rebelling back at me. what are these signs? what am i given to understand?
i left the house thinking: i forgot something. i forgot something. feeling that hole slowly forging underneath my heart.
restless and listless (still lackluster) i hung up the phone. tried to cry, couldn't. no water left in me. i went outside on the porch with my jam jar of sweet cold water and watched the dirty twilit sky revolving westerly. the streets dim. my heart and my eyes, dim. the pearling near-full moon dropping from one end of the roof looking at me like it knew me. knew what i was thinking.
and so i went to bed mildly early. still restless. little did i know. the entire time i was living in brazil.
woke at 2:30 am to unfocused dreams of leading antony around a party with my old high school friends. and sitting him with a group and then having to leave. but leading him by the hand the whole time and yes (power of suggestion) an indistinct face. there is more more more to the dream that was ruffled rudely out of me when i awoke to a piercing
beep
which was the fire alarm on the ceiling complaining of a low battery. i tried to ignore it. i couldn't. it was beating my eardrums, startling me awake every thirty interminable seconds. i turned on the light. i was dizzy, unawake. i dragged a chair in and reached up and tried to pull it out but it was attached firmly. i wandered barefoot into the living room to see if there was a socket in the ceiling from the other one we ripped out weeks ago, so i could see how to take it out. no sign of anything.
returned to bedroom. tugged and tugged and had wild thoughts that maybe it was connected to an alarm circuit (like on airplanes) and i would set off a real alarm if i succeeded in wrenching it free. which i did. and it didn't go off.
with sleepy effort i managed to yank out the old battery. discovered in dismay that it still beeps without the battery, albeit faintly. buried it under a cushion in the faraway living room and left the battery on the table and went back to bed. could not fall asleep. kept hearing somebody's voice in my ear. realizing he might actually have been up at that hour. strange. vague faraway voice finally put me to sleep, still restless, clutching a knot of blanket that was definitely not a hand.
and this morning, to further my brazil experience, the water went strange in the shower. in fits and spurts it would have greater or lesser pressure. scalding to lukewarm. also the toilet made funny noises, and is apparently unhappy with new brand of toilet paper. the apartment is rebelling back at me. what are these signs? what am i given to understand?
i left the house thinking: i forgot something. i forgot something. feeling that hole slowly forging underneath my heart.
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no subject
Date: 2001-08-01 06:27 am (UTC)fire alarm story made me smile :) I would have broken it.
your appartment wants you to leave for a little while, so it can have some privacy.
I woke early too, thinking of you. but you weren't there.
Re:
Date: 2001-08-01 06:31 am (UTC)and jenny last night on the phone:
jenny: castaldi! your phone has been broken!
me: no...i was just on the phone...
jenny: for three hours?!
me: yeah, well...
jenny: oh no. were you talking to that english boy again?
me: [...]
jenny: you're crazy. crazy.
me: i know, i know. i'm trying to be sane.
jenny: i'd probably be the same way, though. don't feel too bad. but how are you doing?
me: ah, just okay.
jenny: just okay? that bad?
me: yeah. life sucks.
Re:
Date: 2001-08-01 06:33 am (UTC)quality time together. yes. I would like that. will we?
I'm going to smoke, and look wistful.
Re:
Date: 2001-08-01 06:42 am (UTC)bad news: i flounced around in the mirror endlessly last night and hated myself too much. you are not allowed to see me. if i cannot love me then nobody else can.
Re:
Date: 2001-08-01 06:51 am (UTC)I find it hard to believe you find a flouncing person unattractive. don't hate yourself. and let me see.
Re:
Date: 2001-08-01 06:56 am (UTC)this was the big problem with prev boy: entire time i was unconvinced by him, convinced he was lying. i never trusted him that he thought i was pretty/whatever.
this hole below my heart is a wrenching lurching doubt.
Re:
Date: 2001-08-01 07:02 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2001-08-01 07:41 am (UTC)excuse my absence, just then. had to go outside to help set up the barbecue for this afternoon. it is disgustingly hot outside in the dusty construction-site sun. i do not want to go.
Re:
Date: 2001-08-01 08:14 am (UTC)I'm not too nice to you. you are too nasty to yourself.
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Date: 2001-08-01 08:20 am (UTC)what i wish for is a year in which i could make myself perfect. then i could come back to now and say i'll come visit. and then i wouldn't keep feeding you these same lines about self-disgust etc.
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Date: 2001-08-01 08:26 am (UTC)so, go. and eat. and wear your t-shirt. and don't make margaret think you're weird.
Re:
Date: 2001-08-01 08:32 am (UTC)i told you, stay away from women. we're bad news.
can i have a hug? that's what i need today. i want to sit in a booth somewhere in a diner like sylvia plath does in her journals, and they'd have their arm around me and we'd eat clever food and share a drink and then roar off in an old car to see the mountains and be intelligent. i envy her life so much. i wish i lived in the 50s, sometimes.
Re:
Date: 2001-08-01 08:34 am (UTC)women may be bad news, but I still want one. one in particular.
of course you can have a hug :) (hug)
I held your hand all night. did you feel it?
the 50s were good. but someday people will say that about now.
Re:
Date: 2001-08-01 09:20 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2001-08-01 09:24 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2001-08-01 09:31 am (UTC)it's over now, i went, i returned. i observed endless huddled masses of construction workmen. need to update. it was rather interesting.
i am too full now, with sweet lipton tea. there was nothing vegetarian and in desperation i ate the chicken--first meat i've eaten in months. oh well.
Re:
Date: 2001-08-01 09:33 am (UTC)I didn't know you were a vegetarian. had you told me?
I'm going home now. I bet you can't email me before I turn my pc on.
Re:
Date: 2001-08-01 09:35 am (UTC)ha. bet i'll beat you with an email...
Re:
Date: 2001-08-02 01:10 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2001-08-01 07:22 am (UTC)I'd like to be more subtle, but still.