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aslantit's looking impossible to leave the country. there is no way. the world is still halted. i am relieved that commercials and sitcoms and major league sports have all disappeared from the world. i want them never to return. i want to drag it all down into the murk and the suck of sorrow. i am so very reluctant to leave this swell of sadness, this overwhelm of sfattura. but why.
yesterday c and j each approached me at separate times [separate agendas] saying i am depressed. that something's got to give. i got defensive. but i can't absorb concern anymore, i've been living with doubt and second-guesses and the possibilities of despair all summer long. ever since that friday in july. and the whole time it was just me alone with my thoughts. me alone with my pixels. so i've lost that capacity to absorb their words. and apparently with that i have lost the ability to recognize my own slumps, my lack of momentum. what to say to this? they get edgy around me, unless i'm imagining things. this morning the brittle unease [?] of their reactions in the muddy light of the rainclouds.
yesterday evening i spoke with jen. rejoice, rejoice! i miss her terribly.
earlier than that: m even more briefly. static on the line. something about planes being shot down at the slightest suspicion. i sat on the chair in the kitchen staring out at the empty street. but m, i don't want to die, i said as the phone went dead, the connection lost. it was more than i could bear. the voice with its cargo of concern and unspoken words.
what to say to this?
nothing. ineffective words into the void. the clothes i sleep in, the clothes i weep in.
yesterday c and j each approached me at separate times [separate agendas] saying i am depressed. that something's got to give. i got defensive. but i can't absorb concern anymore, i've been living with doubt and second-guesses and the possibilities of despair all summer long. ever since that friday in july. and the whole time it was just me alone with my thoughts. me alone with my pixels. so i've lost that capacity to absorb their words. and apparently with that i have lost the ability to recognize my own slumps, my lack of momentum. what to say to this? they get edgy around me, unless i'm imagining things. this morning the brittle unease [?] of their reactions in the muddy light of the rainclouds.
yesterday evening i spoke with jen. rejoice, rejoice! i miss her terribly.
earlier than that: m even more briefly. static on the line. something about planes being shot down at the slightest suspicion. i sat on the chair in the kitchen staring out at the empty street. but m, i don't want to die, i said as the phone went dead, the connection lost. it was more than i could bear. the voice with its cargo of concern and unspoken words.
what to say to this?
nothing. ineffective words into the void. the clothes i sleep in, the clothes i weep in.
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Re: who said anything about dying?
Date: 2001-09-14 10:40 am (UTC)my flight which is now nonexistent. whatever. i can't think about it anymore.
oh
Date: 2001-09-14 11:36 am (UTC)there's a helocopter flying around here, (is that legal?) i'll send it over to pick you up and deliver you to antony. i love you.