emanuel shall come to thee o israel
Sep. 20th, 2001 10:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aslanti dream a boy walks into the office. he has sandy hair, an open blushed face. he asks for a drink of water. i give him a cup but he can't find the water cooler. i show him the water cooler but he insists with dismay there's only hot water. i show him the cool water and he barely believes me. then he drinks and drinks as if it will never be enough.
his father ducks his head in the doorway and apologizes, waiting in the hallway. it's a rare condition. the boy looks older than he is. he's really only seven or eight. but he looks easily twenty. a refined quick tone to his speech, manic undertones. not settled, no settling. he looks at me. he looks me in the eye. he says everything he thinks. you're beautiful, he says. i stammer. you look stunning, i tell him [those exact words], to throw him off the trail of my unease and disbelief. he begins to tell me everything about my life and my eyes widen at his accuracy and clairvoyance as his father drags him away in embarrassment.
driving dreams. dreams of houses and keys that are large and useless. i always dream of keys these days.
a hideous insect crawled out of the wall by the dishwasher this morning. long hairlike legs, a writhing body. i have never seen one like it before. i stepped away and shrieked. i was too late to smash it, and it disappeared into the opposite wall. our hidden guests.
this morning the downstairs neighbors' alarm woke me. loud news at quarter to seven. instead i roll with pillows and dream. the slow circular phair track sticks in my head still. i hear people are talking about us. that's okay because i lie awake every night. thinking about you i fantasize. hey. you've got to hide your love away.
exit music for a film on repeat last night [rules and wisdom choke me] as i scribble furious after reading the sexton verses, 'for john who begs me not to enquire further'. "and if i tried / to give you something else, / something outside of myself, / you would not know / that the worst of anyone / can be, finally, / an accident of hope." and the line "like a complicated lie." and the line in my other favorite, "i am a fist of my unease." you gave me honor too soon, apollo. this describes me, i said to j. this is exactly my life. but it reads better on the page, the words are a bit rich to be read aloud. i meant to refer to the poem; it caught me a second later the same applies to my life. i am better read on the page.
a nervous nervous stomach yesterday. did not regret sending that email but still suffered. the trembling walk to the street to meet j. struggling with potentiality. with the muddied intentions of my deeds. imagined a thousand useless variations, a thousand rejecting and angry possible replies. you don't get to do this i imagine most often. the refusal, the disavowal. echoes of perry and my unlearned lesson.
but a happy morning. i wear my long black coat. i walk to the bank and back. i return with newspapers under my arm. i read the update. i shake a little. it is to be expected. i must quell the childish, ill-conceived and poorly concealed directed skiffs. in the guise of fogged blue i will hide. in the opacity of silence i will shelter.
also. jr has written. i.read.indisbelief! the lines from him, the grateful reciprocity. the flip of a coin he says. why are all decisions subtitled travel these days? but he says: comparisons require binary relationships. he says my preoccupations will not lead to happiness. my horoscope this morning: you are in need of a little more than a quick fling. you can have adventure and excitement even if you have to commit more time and energy. also, "your potential problem this week has to do entirely with hallucinated fears and nothing to do with actual demoralizing events." uncomforting words to say the least.
last night n came for dinner, told us fantastic stories from an unjealous world.
i foresee you leaving me black of lung
the love falling away like a dress undone
the security man pronounces the words guardsmark oddly. he says: guardsmark is going to fax him something. it sounds like: godsmack is going to fax him something. i nod my head at him. like proust i endlessly return to the proofs and galleys. i add and subtract. i meddle with the mathematics of a coded life.
his father ducks his head in the doorway and apologizes, waiting in the hallway. it's a rare condition. the boy looks older than he is. he's really only seven or eight. but he looks easily twenty. a refined quick tone to his speech, manic undertones. not settled, no settling. he looks at me. he looks me in the eye. he says everything he thinks. you're beautiful, he says. i stammer. you look stunning, i tell him [those exact words], to throw him off the trail of my unease and disbelief. he begins to tell me everything about my life and my eyes widen at his accuracy and clairvoyance as his father drags him away in embarrassment.
driving dreams. dreams of houses and keys that are large and useless. i always dream of keys these days.
a hideous insect crawled out of the wall by the dishwasher this morning. long hairlike legs, a writhing body. i have never seen one like it before. i stepped away and shrieked. i was too late to smash it, and it disappeared into the opposite wall. our hidden guests.
this morning the downstairs neighbors' alarm woke me. loud news at quarter to seven. instead i roll with pillows and dream. the slow circular phair track sticks in my head still. i hear people are talking about us. that's okay because i lie awake every night. thinking about you i fantasize. hey. you've got to hide your love away.
exit music for a film on repeat last night [rules and wisdom choke me] as i scribble furious after reading the sexton verses, 'for john who begs me not to enquire further'. "and if i tried / to give you something else, / something outside of myself, / you would not know / that the worst of anyone / can be, finally, / an accident of hope." and the line "like a complicated lie." and the line in my other favorite, "i am a fist of my unease." you gave me honor too soon, apollo. this describes me, i said to j. this is exactly my life. but it reads better on the page, the words are a bit rich to be read aloud. i meant to refer to the poem; it caught me a second later the same applies to my life. i am better read on the page.
a nervous nervous stomach yesterday. did not regret sending that email but still suffered. the trembling walk to the street to meet j. struggling with potentiality. with the muddied intentions of my deeds. imagined a thousand useless variations, a thousand rejecting and angry possible replies. you don't get to do this i imagine most often. the refusal, the disavowal. echoes of perry and my unlearned lesson.
but a happy morning. i wear my long black coat. i walk to the bank and back. i return with newspapers under my arm. i read the update. i shake a little. it is to be expected. i must quell the childish, ill-conceived and poorly concealed directed skiffs. in the guise of fogged blue i will hide. in the opacity of silence i will shelter.
also. jr has written. i.read.indisbelief! the lines from him, the grateful reciprocity. the flip of a coin he says. why are all decisions subtitled travel these days? but he says: comparisons require binary relationships. he says my preoccupations will not lead to happiness. my horoscope this morning: you are in need of a little more than a quick fling. you can have adventure and excitement even if you have to commit more time and energy. also, "your potential problem this week has to do entirely with hallucinated fears and nothing to do with actual demoralizing events." uncomforting words to say the least.
last night n came for dinner, told us fantastic stories from an unjealous world.
i foresee you leaving me black of lung
the love falling away like a dress undone
the security man pronounces the words guardsmark oddly. he says: guardsmark is going to fax him something. it sounds like: godsmack is going to fax him something. i nod my head at him. like proust i endlessly return to the proofs and galleys. i add and subtract. i meddle with the mathematics of a coded life.
