(no subject)

the tables have been turned.


i dream of cole again. her hips narrow as a cup. someone tries to seduce me although i am bored of it by then, i've watched all the preparations. instead the telephone rings. it's him. with no intelligible words. his sister takes the line; she says he's still listening. but i can't say a thing.

i also dreamt of cockroaches.

i also dreamt of a strange cathedral space, a backalley, a crooked piazza. politicians spoke there. walls crumbled and gave up their secrets there. when i woke i was on the left side of the bed and could not migrate back again.

& it really is war this time.

m on the phone: how do you start over? and i felt all my words drain away. i want someone to come to me and wake me up like in the river why.

(no subject)

also.

i dreamt i walked into a plastic surgeon's office. he sat at a desk like a receptionist. i was uncertain although i wanted to sound vindictive.

how much does it cost, i ask. the---the, you know. i can't remember the word 'augmentation'. the surgeon does not know i have had a reduction; i want him to know; there is no good way to say it. i don't want one: i'm asking because i want to know that it costs less. that beauty is cheap and false in comparison to pain. i want to know that these scars of mine are expensive. i want him to know that i don't need his stupid surgery. i just want to know what price.

bilateral reduction. those words.




ugly today. unstoppable the scarring; unreadable the blood. my nerves fight it. in the mirror i am somber. i look and look and i hate what i see.

today is the autumn equinox.

i know that if i had said yes, this turning would have been a turning into an even deeper depression. and i would have been inseparable. dependent on the maker. instead i flounder here gasping thrown up on a dark shore from a dark sea. i [g]as[p]k what is real but i mean at what price. i counterfeit silence.

i bait the hook.oh!.so well

feh.

i spurn yearning:

i leave and i carry the rotten nectarine. i cradle its warmth like a sugar grenade, a detonator. it pulses. the warm waterballoon. explosivity. the lush threat.

like the heft of a breast. malicious as a gun. i carry the nectarine. i carry my heart in my hand.

i want to be broken into. i want the defenses overwhelmed. thrown against the wall [the bed]. i want to lose my crackerjacks in the tidal wave [i got a place in the pope's rubber robe]. i want it bad.

sex like a spade: the heart as a blade.

schiavitu' della parola

scrivo. e son cazzi miei.

la strada che torna indietro.

son la penna. sei il foglio. fo pazzie dentro una camera oscura. puoi guardare, ma non devi e non puoi mai piu' assumere che e' per te. niente lo e'.

ed e' ecco che dice: lo e', lo e'.