(no subject)
Sep. 21st, 2001 10:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aslantalso.
i dreamt i walked into a plastic surgeon's office. he sat at a desk like a receptionist. i was uncertain although i wanted to sound vindictive.
how much does it cost, i ask. the---the, you know. i can't remember the word 'augmentation'. the surgeon does not know i have had a reduction; i want him to know; there is no good way to say it. i don't want one: i'm asking because i want to know that it costs less. that beauty is cheap and false in comparison to pain. i want to know that these scars of mine are expensive. i want him to know that i don't need his stupid surgery. i just want to know what price.
bilateral reduction. those words.
ugly today. unstoppable the scarring; unreadable the blood. my nerves fight it. in the mirror i am somber. i look and look and i hate what i see.
today is the autumn equinox.
i know that if i had said yes, this turning would have been a turning into an even deeper depression. and i would have been inseparable. dependent on the maker. instead i flounder here gasping thrown up on a dark shore from a dark sea. i [g]as[p]k what is real but i mean at what price. i counterfeit silence.
i dreamt i walked into a plastic surgeon's office. he sat at a desk like a receptionist. i was uncertain although i wanted to sound vindictive.
how much does it cost, i ask. the---the, you know. i can't remember the word 'augmentation'. the surgeon does not know i have had a reduction; i want him to know; there is no good way to say it. i don't want one: i'm asking because i want to know that it costs less. that beauty is cheap and false in comparison to pain. i want to know that these scars of mine are expensive. i want him to know that i don't need his stupid surgery. i just want to know what price.
bilateral reduction. those words.
ugly today. unstoppable the scarring; unreadable the blood. my nerves fight it. in the mirror i am somber. i look and look and i hate what i see.
today is the autumn equinox.
i know that if i had said yes, this turning would have been a turning into an even deeper depression. and i would have been inseparable. dependent on the maker. instead i flounder here gasping thrown up on a dark shore from a dark sea. i [g]as[p]k what is real but i mean at what price. i counterfeit silence.
