la souffrance

lurching, unnatural dreams.

jh's mother dies. in the hospital, her father is silent, wan. a small white animal is sent to me with a note from j, saying this is the edge. i just want the edge. just the edge. the edge. edge. i lose it, weep violently throwing things around. but there is no comfort in anything.

i am in a cult. we make music by knocking on a strange wooden and metal apparatus. i am new, i keep screwing it up. i teach a tiny girl to project her voice, my hand on her tiny breathing stomach. a tall dark-haired man who follows me as i lean into him. we lie down in a field. he asks me what is it, i respond there's some barrier here between us. you're close but there's something in the way. clear, troubled eyes.

wind rattling the windows in their sills. woke up late and wrong today, a deep gravitational sleep disturbed by c and j getting ready, those unplaceable sounds that echo in the hall.

wasted hours

the dfci job is still unfilled! i'm still a candidate. oh i am so so very very happy. i was so depressed and convinced it was over. but no. next week, says hr.

the sky is all kinds of stripey golden orange cloud heavenness. i want to swim up into it. it was indian summer today. returning from my run i felt muscle-dead from the heat, sauna-like. slick sweat running down the shoulder. i can now see that muscle along the scalpula that the chiropractor pointed out, my atrophied posture lines. it improves every day. i'm still winning.

r is coming for tomorrow's party! and h has been invited! numerous other deities also coming soon to the sugar bowl.

i realize october is over and my month of palindromes is over. i'm still unreasonably attached to them. i get uneasy when the numbers don't match up. good thing november is my favorite month. nov-ember. new fire.



but meanwhile;

my distance sits uneasily with me. i shouldn't interfere. i have no solutions, no tools, no magic. no knots i can untie.

no way to tell the story of no.