la mattutina

i dreamt my brother died. suddenly, horribly. this is the saddest dream i have ever had. the gnawing sobs, trying to climb off of an unnameable bus, metal glass doors obstructing me. having to drive to home, days and days; a telephone's murky gloss of words.

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j'espere que jamais faire souffrir quelqu'un comme je t'ai fait souffrit

also an intimate undercurrent to this dream. a face close to mine, or words or gestures. that same familiarity, a postscript to a love unseen.

let it line up. let it fall in place.

last night we watched entre nous. full of subversive wives and strange little children. the godamned charming french. but tonight it's time for insomnia.

the movie, not the sleep disorder.

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thinking of pawning the sapphires.

today j and i went on errands in town, to and fro with laundry baskets, picture frames, receipts, etc. walking through harvard yard makes me hate the world, for some odd reason. all those fresh cheeks, sharp eyes.

we stopped for a crepe at arrow street. when i hesitate she asks me where i stand. well james, i'm pro crepe. but i'm anti money. but it was delicious. must return for pear-gorgonzola-walnut concoction. must bring pop there in december.

in other news, jh is now a fabulously wealthy globetrotter (aka business traveler), assisting the asshole boss at this and that faraway deal. possible international travel in the works. and i was going to hitch a ride to see her & b for a night, but alas the car was full.


still. every time people mention ellowen deeowen i get a curious feeling. as a nerve has been pinched at the root. those clusters of other possible lives hover, surface in my sleep like sharp blocks of ice in a river.

need. because it rhymes w/ greed.

i don't know if i'd reccommend insomnia. it was good but somehow unsatisfying. crime in the land of the midnight sun. there must be some better metaphor hidden around here somewhere[rummaging, slushing through sludge] christ i swear i saw it just a second ago.

meanwhile colorgenics.com is freakish and made me cry.

the existing situation is disagreeable. you feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. you want to be above the standard of mediocrity... and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. you are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge.

all this because the color green matches the sweater i'm wearing right now. fucking words.


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it's close now, that other twinned life. i can feel it. bright ache. come here, come here. ti stavo aspettando da mesi.

[i'm liable, empty room and air
to speak to you]