(no subject)
Sep. 24th, 2001 02:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aslanti have cut love out of me. have i cut love out of me?
why do i do this? connections refused. the dial tone.
i want to refuse something. like judy's death: expelling every ounce of the body. blood, bile, vomit. the interior made exterior in the bathtub scene. the inescapability of the body's rejection of life, like a force separate from herself, an invading spirit that rides the flesh demonlike. the image of that scene returns to me in this mood, and i crave a similar catharsis. a mortification of the flesh to mollify the mind. last night i crawled on the tile searching crablike and cramped for that tiny blue sliver of plastic. the ache in the patelas. even that was not enough. i want a physical mirror to this crashing and crushing feeling.
ineluctable: incapable of being avoided or overcome.
why do i do this? connections refused. the dial tone.
i want to refuse something. like judy's death: expelling every ounce of the body. blood, bile, vomit. the interior made exterior in the bathtub scene. the inescapability of the body's rejection of life, like a force separate from herself, an invading spirit that rides the flesh demonlike. the image of that scene returns to me in this mood, and i crave a similar catharsis. a mortification of the flesh to mollify the mind. last night i crawled on the tile searching crablike and cramped for that tiny blue sliver of plastic. the ache in the patelas. even that was not enough. i want a physical mirror to this crashing and crushing feeling.
ineluctable: incapable of being avoided or overcome.
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no subject
Date: 2001-09-24 12:38 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2001-09-24 12:52 pm (UTC)what i said before holds true. if i hate myself i can't give or receive love. i don't believe it and eventually i resent the other person for not hating me. so i reject in order to gain that hate.
in this case, it didn't work so well. but no matter. i'm still incapable of honesty.
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Date: 2001-09-24 12:58 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2001-09-24 01:02 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2001-09-24 01:06 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2001-09-24 01:23 pm (UTC)it means a lot to me that you're still there, though.
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Date: 2001-09-24 01:26 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2001-09-24 01:27 pm (UTC)good night.
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Date: 2001-09-24 01:35 pm (UTC)